Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
