you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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