If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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