got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
