Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
