and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
