all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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