im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
