I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
