I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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