Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
