Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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