Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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