I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
