i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it hurts more in the daytime
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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