Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
