Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
