I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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