it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize