very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My bed smells like the plague
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
