I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
