Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
