Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize