dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
