she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
A bitchslap is in order.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
