Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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