woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
