My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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