Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
