my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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