Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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