Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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