I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
