Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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