I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
How external is "for external use only"?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Bring me that man meat
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
