He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
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