Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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