I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Found your dick twin last night
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
