Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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