It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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