if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
