coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
ttyl tear gas
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
