I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
