have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
