I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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