69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
