No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
It's Friday. Sex?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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