i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
