I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
