I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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