Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize