Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
