I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
