Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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