I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
