Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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