So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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