I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
